Exclusively Assured Destruction
by Triforce90
Summary: Bowser attempts to kidnap Peach once again, but runs into some... resistance. T for some language.


The plan was just about to unfold. Bowser sat calmly in the control room as he watched his henchman press random button and twist random dials. As of now, they were 2000 feet up in the air and, also as of now, they were beginning their mission to kidnap Princess Peach.

The Koopa King crossed his arms as a faint, but distinctly evil, grin spread across his lips. Once again, Princess Peach would be under his captivity. Once again, he would cast all of the Mushroom Kingdom under complete terror as they lived without a reigning monarch. They would have to bake their own cakes and uh… do whatever else they had to do without Princess Peach there.

"What does she do, anyway?" Bowser began to muse as the grin removed itself from his face. Holding her captive did practically nothing to the Mushroom Kingdom, and it didn't really do much for him either. Sure, she tidied his castle up a bit, and she made some pretty decent cupcakes. She was also really good at making Jr. do his homework, and doing it well at that. But aside from all those things, was this really necessary? Bowser began to think a little deeper. He could easily have found a maid to do the housework, and he could stand to learn how to be a bit of a better cook. And maybe it was time for Jr. to take a bit of an initiative and do his homework without help.

Bowser shook his head almost immediately. No! It wasn't whether or not he was actually getting anything out of this. It was the principle of the thing! Kidnapping Peach would tell the world that _he _was, indeed, the alpha-male of the world, or to put it another way, large and in charge! Besides, those were **damn** good cupcakes!

"Lord Bowser!" shouted Grunt Koopa #1 as he turned some knobs. "We're starting the descent!"

"Excellent! Give word to the air command!"

The giant airship shook in its entirety as its wings adjusted their angle, steadily lowering the craft. Bowser got up from his chair and made his way over the viewing glass. There, directly in front of them and off a little ways in the distance, was Peach's castle.

"This is fantastic!" Bowser alerted all personnel in the room. "They have no idea what's coming!"

"Absolutely right, sir!" said Grunt Koopa #2.

"They'll be shaking in their boots!" said Grunt Koopa #3. "We're so high up right now, they won't even see what hit them!"

"Truly, this is a great day for the Koopa clan!" said Obnoxious Brownnosing Koopa. "And it couldn't have been done without your truly remarkable leadership. This is why you're the king, King Bowser!"

"Shut up, Obnoxious Brownnosing Koopa. You're not getting a raise." Bowser rolled his eyes. Step one after kidnapping Princess Peach: major layoff of personnel.

Several minutes went by. The Grunt Koopas continued to push random buttons and twist random knobs. Bowser continued to think to himself while looking menacing. Obnoxious Brownnosing Koopa kept spitting off obnoxious brownnosing comments after a while. And all during this time, no one noticed or began to question how there were Goombas pushing buttons and twisting knobs, too.

The silence was broken, however, when a huge whirring noise was heard and the airship began to rock suddenly.

"What the crap was that?" asked Bowser as he struggled to keep his balance.

"I'm not sure, sir…" Grunt Koopa #2 said as he picked himself off the ground. "It was almost like we got hit with a giant gust of wind."

"Whatever! We're getting closer! Get the Bullet Bills ready!"

"Aye aye, sir!" shouted Grunt Koopa #3. His button pressing was interrupted, however, when three or four more giant gusts of wind rocked the ship. This was followed by many, many more.

"Argh!" Bowser grunted. "This is getting too risky! Command the fleet to skip ahead to phase 2, but get those Bullets fired!"

Bowser ran to the side of the control room where his fleet of personal helicopters awaited him. Of all the things he hated, it was carrying forward with a plan prematurely that he hated most. Desperate times called for desperate measures, though… He leapt into the cockpit, turned on the ignition, and in a matter of seconds took off towards the castle.

Upon getting outside of the airship, he could see what this "giant gust of wind" was coming from. There was a heavy shower of what looked like metallic cylinders, topped with metallic cones. Trails of white smoke followed behind them as they rushed upward into the air and towards the airship.

Bowser's disbelief was maxed out further when he looked to his side and saw Obnoxious Brownnosing Koopa riding alongside the Koopa King. He had hijacked one of his private helicopters from the fleet.

"Sir!" Obnoxious Brownnosing Koopa shouted. "I've come to serve as your protection! You won't be harmed with me around!"

This fell on deaf ears. Bowser was sick of his shit. He looked up towards the airship and noticed that the Paratroopas and Paragoombas had gone ahead with the plan. They fluttered through the air as Bullet Bills began to slowly make their way out of the ship's cannons. Koopa Troopas and Goombas had bailed ship with parachutes and were proceeding with the ground operation. Finally, something was going right.

"**LORD BOWSER! LOOK OUT!"**

Bowser turned his head forwards just in time to see one of the large cylinders traveling straight in his direction, rapidly closing in from a few thousand feet. Before Bowser could even react, Obnoxious Brownnosing Koopa accelerated his helicopter. Bowser descended rapidly as his gaze stayed fixed on his bodyguard. He then watched in dismay as Obnoxious Brownnosing Koopa intercepted the cylinder, and gasped in horror at the resulting explosion.

"**Obnoxious Brownnosing Koopa!"** Bowser shouted in disbelief. **"Those things cost a fortune to make! What were you thinking?"**

This question never went answered as he heard a rattling sound coming from the ground. Several of Peach's castle Toads had assembled in a line and were advancing towards the Koopas and Goombas, who had just landed and taken off their parachutes. However, the Toads were carrying unusual devices that he had never seen before. They looked like oddly-shaped rods, and there were bright flashes coming from the tips of them. Surely, that must have been what the rattling sound was coming from.

As soon as Bowser realized this, he also began to notice how his ground forces were thinning out, and quickly. As the Koopas in the read began to trek forward and the Goombas followed by shuffling sideways, those that were in the frontlines, so to speak, were literally getting mowed down and bathing in their own blood. Regardless, his soldiers bravely marched and sidestepped on, only to meet the same bloody fate as their comrades.

Bowser was distracted as he heard explosions from overhead. The airship had been struck and was on fire. Some cylinders were making contact with Paratroopas and Goombas, and the resulting blast radii incinerated those that were too unfortunate with where they were.

This was all too unreal. Right before his eyes, Bowser's army was getting the crap kicked out of them. Never before had he ever seen anything so ruthless, so vicious, and yet, so freakin awesome. He had to admit, his enemy had surprised him well.

The Koopa King was relatively surprised when he noticed that he had somehow made his way to Peach's castle. There, boxed in by Toads carrying those terrible rods, was Peach herself. She stood tall with her hands folded in front of her, looking elegant and royal. Bowser landed his helicopter in front of her. Somehow, he began to speak.

"Princess Peach," Bowser began. "What… did…?"

"LOL what do you mean?" Peach asked as she tilted her head to the side, completely confused. "I don't understand."

Bowser had completely forgotten about Peach's annoying way of speaking. He wasn't even fazed, however, and somehow managed to put his words together.

"What did you do to my airship? My men?"

"OH! LOL!" Peach exclaimed, her eyes getting wide. "Wasn't that totes ridic? I used taxpayer money to invest in nuclear warheads!"

"Nuclear… warheads?"

"Obvi!" Peach motioned towards the left. "Toad Town was trippin, and they needed jobs! So we totes built a nuclear power plant to like… get some."

Bowser looked towards the left, and sure enough in the horizon were three large nuclear smokestacks. Several Toads were walking back and forth, wearing haz-mat suits but smiling and laughing as they counted their recently cashed-in employment checks.

"And then," continued Peach, "Mario decided that we should totes go ahead and use the new power plant to build weapons and keep the likes of _you_from kidnapping me again!"

Bowser heard a chuckle from the side. There was Mario, standing at attention and wearing military dress blues.

"That's what those cylinders were?" Bowser managed to find the words. "Warheads?"

"Um, obvi."

"What are these things then?" Bowser gestured towards the rods the Toads were holding.

"Oh! Those things? Those are AK-47s!"

"What?"

"LOL yeah!" Peach looked as if she truly admired them. "We got them from some people awhile back. I don't remember what they called themselves, though…"

"My niggas," quietly answered one of the Toads.

"Oh duh! We got them from my niggas!" Peach grinned. "…LOL."

Bowser couldn't believe what he was hearing. He placed his head in his hands. "I don't understand. You didn't even know I was coming."

"Oh, no Bowser, we totes did. We also have radar now!" Peach cleared her throat and suddenly changed her voice to be more official. "While you were ordering your peeps to build more missiles with angry faces and were telling your ground troops to sidestep slowly, we here at the Mushroom Kingdom took some more… progressive approaches to our defense. Should be totes obvi by now. You won't be bothering us anymore. But…" She seemed to have a change of disposition. "It seems you've learned your lesson. I'm willing to forgive you, if you put your mind to work with us and join our ranks. Help us fight for a greater good!"

Bowser looked at the princess in disbelief. "Seriously? You'll spare me if I join you?"

"LOL no JK. GTFO."

Before he even knew what was happening, Bowser was surrounded by the Toad squadron. They bound his legs and arms together, hoisted him up, and began to make their way to the castle dungeons.

Peach threw her fist up in the air. "Winning!"


End file.
